what have i remembered?
in my seventeen years of life
many things, surely
walking on dirt roads in a summer haze
with the people i love
the split second of fear
that crosses my heart
before i enter a stage
the triumph that radiates through me
when i finish my performance
the sweetness of my ice cream after dinner
the gripping frustration
that comes with lates nights spent over essays, homework, testing
the warmth of falling asleep
after laughing, smiling, and dancing
until blisters lined my feet
both the good
and the bad
what have i forgotten?
many more things, surely
how to solve differential equations
what birthday presents i have gotten my friends
the nightmares i had as a child
what it felt like
listening to sinatra for the very first time
my grandfather’s voice
looking at the world
through a child’s eyes
finding a story, an adventure
in the most mundane things
both the good
and the bad
what made me forget?
and how sad it is that i have forgotten?
that i cannot remember
how i felt or what i thought
just last monday
the sensation
of rushing through the streets downtown
is as foreign as you are, to me
that the warmth of your hand must always fade away
that a shared lunch or dinner
will blend into one of many
that the sweet or salty or bitter or spicy
flavors on my tongue
will always be replaced by another
that what i feel
changes
with every passing second
how much of the blame can i assign to myself?
should i point to my neurons?
chastise them for firing just enough
for me to miss a memory
but not enough
to remember what i miss
should i point to my hopes, fears, and dreams?
for choosing to hold onto this second
and losing the next
for clinging onto some victories
or smiles or hugs or phobias or trials
over another
or do i feel anger and jealousy
that i’ve caused myself to miss more memories than i’ve meant to
that i want more memories than i can create
that i have different memories than what i crave
that my nights fixated on chemistry problems
my weekends spent rushing from meeting to meeting
my days spent in solitude
are what make up my memories
rather than living freely
rather than simple walks to the grocery store
or sipping coffee with others
or falling into a dreamless sleep
what can i do to remember more?
this is perhaps the only good question i’ve asked
in my seventeen years of life
and first i thought
many things, surely
make your brain stronger,
eat healthier,
record everything in your journals
but to me, there is really only one thing i can do:
make memories that matter
live my life with a child’s eyes
create experiences that will stick,
that will mean something to me
forget the burdens
enjoy life as it rushes by
and jump into the current myself
and trust
that everything i love
will find its place in time
- Kaitlyn Fa
Cover Photo Source: https://wsimag.com/culture/30643-the-features-of-mental-images-in-the-art-of-memory